so I get there about an hr late. oh well. lots of travelling, getting lost here and there. seeing a lot of familiar faces that I haven't seen in a long time, it's always nice to see them. we played pool, just hung out.
what really got me was seeing people from my ex's circle of friends. they constantly ask me how I'm doing. for the most part, I can smile, pretend to be happy. my insides were screaming. it kind of threw me off, I went out to get away.
SOMEONE got blue chalk on my costume that I spent 3 weeks making!! (sigh)
when the crowd died down, we left and then tried to get into a club, where costumes weren't mandatory. ya... I felt lots of eyes on me... shoot I've felt lots of eyes on me all night!! but, we couldn't get in since we didn't have tickets. SO... time to head home...
Mood: I need to get away...
the trek begins
prepping for my long night ahead, I bought 2 cans of doubleshot, gum, water. I had one on the way up to the harrison path station. during the ride up, all that was running through my head was, what am I doing? I don't stay up late, I don't go to parties. while waiting on the platform, someone asked me if this was the right way to get to hoboken, he was a little lost. turns out, we were both on the wrong side!! after getting on the correct side, there we bumped into some more costumed people, we all started to strike up a conversation, it was totally random. Somehow we all had pictures together... too bad our destinations were to different places, would've been interesting to hang out with them more.
Location: path from harrison to world trade center
halloween act 1: finishing up
so ya... after the last girl stomped on my heart, I learned some things... involve myself in projects, do things to distract myself. so there was an invitation to go to a costume party. of course I didn't have my costume ready. I had some buttons to sew on. somehow, my mom's sewing machine didn't want to cooperate, and the time was winding down so I had to do what I always do... mcguyver my way through. some velcro and some safety pins... not bad for a quick job...
Mood: disappointed with the sewing machine.
Location: parent's house
reclaiming my saturdays!!
I decided to change my life. for my g/f, but she still doesn't want me.. but I still want to change!! it could be an issue later down the road, so for the one that I WILL be with. since I like the extra income, I'll keep the job, but I'll call in at least the day before saying if I won't come in.
today it was difficult to be at the shop... I constantly torture myself with relationships. I don't kno why I do it to myself. maybe it's guilt, maybe it's me not wanting to fail, whatever it is, it hit me hard. it took a lot of strength for me to not cry. cranking "the sounds" & working on a steadicam knockoff when we were slow helped to distract me. happiest part of my day!!
Mood: trying to change the world that I know
a form of expression
I've been talking to a lot of friends, nothing really gets accomplished, I'm still broken up, still hurting. but just saying how I feel helps. I'm glad that I have the small number of friends that will listen to me. typing out to strangers doesn't hurt either. it's just another way to release the bottled up emotions. without that, I'd probably become a bond villain.
the one part I don't like is getting random feedback from random people... that's kinda weird. what makes them qualified to give out advice? I remember last year I had tons of people commenting. not knowing who they are or who I REALLY am. but, I try to take it wit a grain of salt. I'm guessing that they have an intention to help. it's hilarious that I try to see the good in people, when I can be so vindictive & sinister to people who piss me off. yes I'm talking to U audi that cut me off!! U got a nice hard drive magnet on UR car!!
some days I feel like I'm slipping back to someone I promised myself I would never be so many years ago... I need to get my shit together. we weren't made for each other... why mope around for something that would have a slim chance? actually I kno the answer to that one. I'm stubborn and I always hold onto hope.
Mood: agonizing about the breakup
Location: my own head...
Music: the sounds - beatbox