About Me
About Melook ma...
today is my flight to taiwan. I fly out of newark @ 10pm. I'm a little nervous flying. especially since last time. I couldn't sleep almost the whole trip.
I'm also a little nervous about sending in my application for a promotion... my bosses say that I deserve it. I do a lot for being the newest person in my group. I do a lot more than what I should be doing.
Mood: a little nervous...
i've been working out...
after last night's revelation, i feel like this giant weight is off my shoulders!! of course breakups suck. but i don't feel sad over losing her. i feel like i can move forward. still not ready to date. so i have to leave my crush as what it is... just a crush... it's unfortunate she's really cute & great to talk to.
Mood: feeling strong. getting back in the swing of things
epiphany moment
today I probably felt the most pain that I've felt in the past week. and in that pain I've opened my eyes. looking at the aftermath of the breakup. I was given no respect. broken up by text, given every tiny excuse not to be with me: distance, antisocial, all these things that were acceptable before, to top it all off having the new boyfriend around when I stopped by to drop off my cat for her to take care of. looking at it now, I'm ok with having the glimmer die out.
Mood: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything
all sorts of messed up.
before I get into the events of last night... let me relive some of the events of the past month to fill in some gaps. obviously my ex broke up with me. but pretty much a few days afterwards. one of her friends confessed to her that he liked her. to me that's a slap in the face to me and to her (mostly me). it could be because if I were in his situation, I would question if she would likes me for me, or if she liked me only because of residual feelings. and me, I don't want to date anyone right now. my emotions are too raw for me to completely give my heart to someone. I want my ex to take care of maxie, since max likes her and is familiar with her. she's seen max's belly (big deal for cats, it means they trust U or comfortable around U). I don't trust my roommate, and max is terrified of her. my cat is very important to me, and I want the best for her. And my ex loves maxie almost as much as I do, so I kno she's in good hands. so... with some of the backstory out of the way...
I didn't expect to see him at her place. It took all my strength not to hit him and to not cry. I'm still very upset over the whole situation. it's totally fucked up. U kno UR ex is coming, and U have the person UR dating over? and UR ex is still hurting?!?! the more I think about it the more angry I feel. things were re arranged, and his stuff is replacing where mine used to be. I feel totally worthless at this point. why am I so easily replaced? what is it about me that people can forget about me so easily? I talked to her in the back of my car for about half an hour. A lot of things were said. I learned something about her...
through the pain, I saw the girl I guess U can say I have a crush her. she makes the pain go away. even though my insides were a total wreck, I still had a smile. had some sushi. towards the end of the night a lot of the hurt melted away. I'm grateful for any time with her.
and now... I'm feeling a lot of the hurt again I'm going to try my hardest to be happy
Mood: sometimes I feel like I'm in a place where I promised myself I wouldn't be in again over 10 years ago...
Music: neon trees - habits
room for improvement
some things came out of the breakup that really hurt. the one that hurt the most had to have been that I'm antisocial, it was one more reason on the list to breakup. it's not my fault, it's who I am. because of it, I want to go out and be more social. to improve who I am so whoever I'm with would be happier with me. I came to realize something. I like meeting new people it suits my curious and inquisitive nature. I still have anxiety when I initially talk to strangers, I took "don't talk to strangers" a little too seriously as a kid and carried out through most of my life. Once I start talking and get to know them a little, I'm good. I'm trying not to get caught up in labeling myself as a computer nerd who's antisocial. it's not acceptable anymore.
tues night I went to queens. I know it's totally crazy, going to the city on a weekday to meet up at 7PM, but I wanted to see her before I go to taiwan. Mostly because I had a birthday present for her and some other reasons. she said that when I get back she'll be a year older. I made a little battery operated hand warmer, since she mentioned she gets cold easily. we had dinner and then saw jackass. I was able to catch the LAST train from penn station @ 1:22. I almost didn't make it, I woke up at the end of the 7 train and people were boarding for it to go back to queens. thank god it stays there for a little bit. I didn't get home until around 3. only because it took a gas attendant 10 min to start pumping, he was checking something. I managed to get into work the next day. a little tired and late. but still in.
I've noticed it, and others have noticed it too. I've been happier since this weekend. dispite this, there's something in the back of my head that terrifies me.
Mood: I'm happy?